Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
