after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
