remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
worst night to have a conscience
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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