If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
