You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He passed out mid-signature
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
