Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
