he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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