My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
