i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
