i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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