he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
