Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
