Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
