You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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