I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
