you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.