Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.