hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
