By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
