my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
