Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
