Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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