I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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