I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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