If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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