you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
