Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
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Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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