dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
