i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
