Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
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How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
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She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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