he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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