pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
