I cockslap morals
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We left an ass print on the piano.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
