his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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