I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I love having hate sex.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
