Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
this hospital has no fireball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Who died my cat blue again?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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