JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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