Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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