and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he was CRYING into my vagina
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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