Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
