I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
