my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
