Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
