I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My vagina just clenched in fear
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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