I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
