I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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