So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
