Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
