dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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