why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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