i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
