i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
