I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
