everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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