I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
